Boom

Its official now, they are both teenagers.

I hope I don't make anyone angry, it is not my intent, and BTW it's my blog, I can blog what I want. Not my usual fluffy post.

I've struggled the last several months with a heavy heart, praying for strength for me. I thought this was all because they are growing up. I realize now, that was only part of my problem. I am sometimes so deep in thought about this both of the girls have wondered what I'm mad about.

I thought that maybe this was the cause of my heavy heart: Many of Mary Margaret's classmates are allowed to "date", remember she's in the 7th grade. Some of these girls are dating guys in High School. She wants to do what her friends are doing. I can't judge those girls parents, maybe they are doing what they think is best. MM asks some serious questions, some I'm not ready to answer, but I do truthfully. I can however let my girls know, dating isn't going to happen until high school and I'm going to be picky about who they date. How do I trust them. How do I trust their judgement in boys. How do I trust their judgement in friends. How do they act in public. How will I stand it when they start driving (this is a big worry). Are they acting like some of their church friends, one way at home and church and horrible at school? There are many many more worries that cross my mind constantly, and I'm sure anyone with kids has these worries.

I'm getting to my point.

Sunday.
Bro. Matt changed his message at the last minute. There was no power point to go with his message, I really didn't realize how much of a distraction for me that power point was. He said, after attending part of the Girlie Girl Getaway this weekend that he looked at his wife and said honey, I'm glad we don't have girls. Her response, looking over the crowd of girls, "You need to pray for our boys wives." Boom. Message changed. He had 5 characteristics of a Godly Woman. A few scriptures, Acts 16: 13-15, Esther 4:11-17, 1 Timothy 2:9-10. Bro. Matt should have the outline up on his blog soon. Listening to this, I had my own "boom".

The real reason for my heavy heart: I am failing Mary Margaret and Taylor. Hold on, don't get your feathers ruffled, I am failing them spiritually. I should not have been praying just for my strength, but for their strength too. I should be praying with them, not just bedtime prayers. Prayers about choices they make, choices Tim and I make, choices their parents make, choices. Is it silly to say "I've seen the light!"? Not only am I failing the girls, I am failing my marriage, I am failing Tim, I am failing my friends, I am failing my family and I am failing God. I needed this message.

I have to say that in all my years of church, I have never heard someone preach about this and it really hit home, in the gut so to speak. (I could have missed this during my kid/teen years because we were always busy writing notes during worship.) More importantly, I don't believe my mother ever discussed this with me or my brothers. To those of you who do not know or remember my mother, I won't say much, she was different at church, and different at home. I haven't had a conversation with her in a while, but I'm almost 100% sure she probably hasn't changed. I don't remember her praying with us, for us, or really even in front of us. She says she did. She read her Bible, alone, with her door closed, no distractions. I don't remember her ever telling us to read our Bible. We did read it, because our Sunday School, Bible Drill, or Youth Leaders told us to. My point is, actions speak louder than words. Makes me wonder, had she prayed with us, for us, for our future spouses, for our futures, what kind of Christians we should be, would my choices have been different? I know we are responsible for our own choices/mistakes. It was my parents job to show us how to really live a Christian life. Was it more my mother's responsibiltiy because we lived with her. Should Dad have tried harder? This opens up a ton of questions that I would never have enough time to post about. Is this placing the blame?

They (parents) should have shared equal responsibility. Instead they were selfish. Susan wanted everyone to SEE she was a Christian. There's more than just SEEING, you have to BE Chrisitan. Dad just hid from everything and still does. Does this make me love them anyless. No. I love both of my parents. I don't mean be perfect, you should try your very best to live your life inside and out for God, you will undoubtedly fail, pick yourself up and try again.

My goal. Love Jesus more than life itself. Love my family. Live. Laugh. Love. Learn. (I've always felt Learn was being left out of that little saying.) I might fail. I pray my failures make me a better person, wife, mom/aunt.