Uh-Oh, I've been Thinking again

I have finally found a Church that has that "thing". What is that "thing". It is the "wow" factor. I grew up Southern Baptist, spending my childhood at Fitzgerald Crossing Baptist and my youth at Union Avenue Baptist, both considered smaller churches.

This is going to be deep (well maybe just for me anyway). You might want to step into those waders now. I believe that the blog is an outlet to be yourself, I have been myself, but scared to death to post those raw feelings about ANYTHING. This is my truth.

I've often wondered, as an adult, why was it exactly that my family changed churches so suddenly. We were told it was because Fitzgerald Crossing Baptist Church had nothing to offer teens. I don't remember complaining. I don't remember being unhappy. Maybe the boys and I were. I wonder if it was because it was full of my dad's relatives and my parents were separated at that time. Whatever the reason, we moved to Union Avenue Baptist, where a lot of my friends went to church.

We were there throughout my Jr. & High School days. What is going through my head right now at this very moment? How do I say this without hurting her feelings? I don't think she reads my blog anymore. So I should just say it, get off my chest, OR, tip toe because I'm a coward. I think I'll go in between and walk a fine line. Things will never be the same between she and I. The rumors that flew around her dating the preacher were awful. My brothers were the ones who really saw it and I chose not to believe them and stay on her side. For that I will always be sorry. I find it hard to not think about that time in our lives every time I hear from my brothers. Is it sad to say that I think MORE about how I treated Scottie at my graduation and how saddened I am about that time in our lives than I am that he lost a leg in a motorcycle accident? I'm admitting that Scott loosing his leg seems less important to me that the way I treated him 15 years ago. It does hurt my heart that Scott had to go through loosing his leg...he had an AWESOME brother and step mom to help him and if it weren't for them, I might be grieving just how I treated him long ago, I would be grieving the loss of his life and that I treated him horribly. I have apologized for those things I said, and I'm sure he has forgiven me, but I remember.

And my father, I'm sure, because he has said so, that he knows I didn't know better. But he was still hurt when I didn't want to have anything to do with him. He is not a saint. At least he lets you know upfront where he stands on everything. I know better now.

This was supposed to be about church, I'm getting there. I promise. Just needed to say those words outloud, (sortof).

All of this was going on while we were attending Union Avenue. She had us there every time the church doors were open. She was the assistant pianist, church secretary, Sunday school teacher, president of WMU, sang in the choir, you name it she did it. She was very churchy at church. She was not at home. I am attending the New Connections Class that Bro. Matt, pastor at Wynne Baptist, is teaching. I am doing this to join Wynne Baptist. Bro. Matt talked about how the parent should be the example publicly and privately. The tears did not fall, but they were there. In worship service, Youth Choir from Rogers 1st Baptist Church led the worship part of the service, there were all these kids giving their testimony and it was so real. All I could think was, HAVE I been the example that YARM13YOL and Taylor need me to be? I don't think I've done the best job, but I'm trying. There are things I could do better.

Right after Dad won custody of the boys or maybe right before, I can't remember, NOT KIDDING, I think that to make my life easier, I've blocked out some of that time. Anyway...she broke it off with the preacher, quoting the preacher "Kaye, She said I do not have enough money for her". I felt sorry for him. The boys didn't like him for their own reasons, which I will never know, but I did like him, he felt like a grandfather to me. After this, Union Avenue built a mission church, Ridgeview Baptist. She left Union Avenue to play the piano at the mission church and for me to play the organ. This didn't last long, she moved. I stopped going to church there. I tried to go back to Union Avenue. The looks and whispering were enough to cause me to not go often. I know in my heart that some of the rumors are true and the others, I don't want to know if they are true.

Do you see how someone can say "Hypocrites...why do I want to go to church?" To those people, I am her daughter, I AM NOT HER. I am not her spiritually or personally. I love her. How can you not love her. I miss who I thought she was. I cannot for my sake go back there.

For years I visited different churches and for two years I went to my sister-in-law's church Gladden Baptist.

Gladden was what I needed to get back into the groove. It was my stepping stone and I will forever be grateful for that one stone that I needed.

Enough for now, I will cry soon if I don't stop.

What brought this on? I have to write my testimony. I just really felt like I could not do that until I got rid of this MY WAY and this is it.