Funeral Home Phone Calls

Ring...
Me: Kernodle Funeral Home, this is Kaye
Caller: I have a difficult question
Me: I'll try to help you
Caller: Are you sure?
Me: yes mam
Caller: I just don't know, you might not want to
Me: I assure you I want to answer your questions
Caller: okay
*long pause*
Caller: Okay do you know Genesis?
Me: Well I guess, its a book in the Bible, right?
Caller: Nope. I can't believe this
Me: I guess I don't know
Caller: They have fake funerals
Me: Fake funerals?
Caller: Yep
Me: Well, Im not sure about that.
Caller: Im planning on having one of them fake funerals and just wondered if you all used Genesis to have a fake funeral.
Me: cant say that we do.
Caller: Well you give your body to Genesis and then Genesis has a fake funeral.
Me: Oh, you mean donate your body to science and then have a memorial service?
Caller: well thats the fancy words for it. Do you use Genesis or not?
Me: No mam we don't. We use another facility.
Caller: Bye.

That's how I roll!

Phone

I may be in rehab later today...

MY CELL PHONE DIED.

What does this mean for me?

No contact with the adult world.

No internet, cause we link up through my phone.

Im at work, so I have internet until 4pm.

Good news is I have insurance on my phone, bad news is the deductible went up last May to $95, according to Verizon. Im not paying that. I can buy the stupid same phone on eBay for $50 or less.

I do have a back up phone.

THE SCRIPT IS SOOOOOOOOOO TINY. It's not working for me. It's a teenager phone.


I LOVE MY V9 RAZOR 2 FLIP.

Sniff

Sniff

Sniff

Sniff

Something Borrowed

Kevin (MM's boyfriend) invited us to watch his sisters softball game last night, so for the first time in 3 years, I was headed to the ball field. I am an adult, really I am, so I knew to use the bathroom at home before we left, I KNEW THIS, I failed myself. The bathroom at the ball field....not a good place. That's all I'm saying. It's too gross to even relive it to type it so you can share in my horror.

Mary Margaret and Kevin have made it to the one month mark! She got her first Dozen Roses last night.



Tim doesn't do flowers, at my request, so we have no vases. Here's where the borrowed comes into the picture. I knew Dianne had a vase, so I called her up and begged for the vase. She was pretty easy to crack! I think she wanted to show off her new hair do and her eyebrows! Dianne never gets her eyebrows done!
Taylor, Dianne, & Mary Margaret. Dianne's ROCKIN the new do....don't ya think?

Mary Margaret and her roses.


You just thought this would be goodbye...

You know there's always something to laugh at...

We leave Dianne's house, which is just one driveway over from our house, I immediately smell something, just a little bit. Then it gets worse. Can't breath kind of bad. I ask the girls which one of the has the kick butt gas. Neither of the admit. Normally if they have that kind of gas, whoever is guilty is laughing so hard they can't see straight. No one was laughing. We were all gaging. Rolled the window down, smell didn't go away. Roll the windows back up, breathing was non existent. Get out at our house and smell is still following us. Get in the house..oh my word...its bad.

I bend over to take off my shoes.

Found the reason for the smell.

Had to put my shoes outside.

Dude...its how we roll!

After School Conversations

Headed down 64 Highway, with two teenagers in my ear, it sounds a little something like this after school and work...

Music blaring...Kesha...Tik Tok
MM: Love my new shoes (they are propped on my dash)
Me: my dash is not the place for your crusty feet, please remove them
TBug: I have concert in May we have to wear blue jeans and black pants
MM: OMGosh I love Kevin
Tbug: OMGosh we don't care if you love Kevin I need blue jeans and black pants
MM: I have squeeky feet, bahahahahahah
Tbug:I farted did you hear that I FARTED OMGosh it stinks
ME: roll down the windows NOW
MM: Yep my boobs are still there and they are squishy
ME: ?@#$%?
Me to Taylor: why do you need two pairs of pants
Tbug: Huh?
Me: You said I need blue jeans and black pants.
Tbug:Oh...a shirt and blue jeans
MM: I like my new bra, Dianne's boobs were double d's, wow that was big
Tbug:Um....pizza
MM: Do you think Dianna would txt me back?
Tbug: Im txting someone or something
Me: (to myself) I can't hear myself think
**then I get slapped on the shoulder by Mary Margaret and she says STOP IT**
ME: what was that for?
MM: bawahwawhwawhwahwhahaaaaaa
ME: Seriously? why did you hit me?
MM: Taylor slapped my hand down from the seat, making me hit you and I told her to stop it.
Tbug: Can we have pizza tonight?

This conversation was non-stop. No breath was taken. No child was hurt. The adult suffered severe brain damage causing her to not cook dinner or pizza. The people of her household was FORCED to use the microwave.

Dude...that's how we roll

Talent

What more could you ask from your child than to show and practice their true talents everyday so that they may live up to their potential...

Mary Margaret practices alot...



This morning Mary Margaret and I were alone talking about her dreams for her future. (Taylor was still sleeping at 9AM)

We managed to get on the subject of marriage and babies. She says its a scary subject for her. She wants forever. She wants babies. She wants the fairy tale. She doesn't want to screw up and that scares her. I told her to think long and hard, don't let someone squish her dreams, if she wants the fair tale and babies then so be it.

I got quiet.

She says quietly..."you did get Me and Taylor"

Smart kid.

A Few Funnies

Tim: MM come clean up this mess I made before KK sees it.
MM:do I get paid?
Tim: I'll let you go to school on Tuesday
MM: OKAY!!!!!!!
She cleans up his spilled Pepsi and he's laughing. She gets finished.
MM: I wanna to get paid...wait a minute Im already going to school...i got tricked!

Setting the scene: MM and Kevin are on the couch. Nicole is in the recliner next to the couch, I'm in my chair far away (not far enough) Taylor was in bed. We are watching a movie.

Nicole to Me: OMGosh, I don't know how you stay sane. They won't shut up.
Me: You ain't telling me nothing new
30 minutes later...
Nicole to Me: You know, its a good thing its so cold in this house.
Me: Why?
Nicole: cause im having to sit on my hands to keep them warm WHICH is keeping me from hurting those two over there. I really want to **mame them. Bad.
Nicole to the love birds: SHUT UP
Love Birds: What? Did we do something?
Nicole pelted them with pillows.

MM to Dianna: Isn't your Picture ID supposed to show when you are at work?
Dianna: Nope
MM: Yes it is.
Dianna: Nope cause it looks like a grandma picture
MM: let me see..yup it looks like a grandma picture....hey remember you are a grandma anyway.
Dianna: If I wasn't at work I would kick her tail!

**tried to look this up in the dictionary and couldn't find the word mame. Is it a word?

Zoo

The Zoo was a great idea. A beautiful day, great attitudes and great company. Not a cross word one. Well, except when I slammed Taylor's hand in the van door, got lost in Memphis, and some of the people talked the entire day.
Taylor, Me, Mary Margaret and Kevin
/
Taylor, Me, Mary Margaret

Taylor, Alyssa, and Mary Margaret



Just before Taylor's day turned really bad and slammed the van door on her whole hand...this happened....
MM kicked her in the chin while getting down off the "inside out cow", Kevin was spanking the cow, MM gets down and Alyssa just wanted to ride the darn inside out cow.


Needless to say...but...they were all full of energy...no wonder Im just a slight bit crazy...

Drake

My new popcorn buddy died yesterday. Drake, Tims lab, who was extremely hyper, started to loose weight Friday and Saturday, he laid around Friday night and Saturday. We got back from Jonesboro yesterday afternoon and couldn't find him. Taylor finally found him last night about 8:30 under our deck.

Tim came home last night and buried him.

What causes a dog that was healthy, fat, hyper, just all the sudden get all sickly and dead with 2 days? Surely the popcorn I fed him didn't do him in. Jeez.

2010 Census

Are we seriously going to get into trouble if we don't fill out this stinking Census form?

Why am I asking?

Cause I did not receive a form as the government promised on that cute little post card that said...Mrs. Tim Butler your Census form is on its way.

Maybe a neighbor got it. Who knows.

Im only filling one out because I do not want random strangers coming to my house, counting my people. You may want to know how Im filling one out, seeing how I didn't get one delivered to my cute little mail box. I borrowed Sandy's and copied it and now Im filling it out. The government is invading my personal space, Mr. Obama.

I wanted to fill it out with the wrong answers, but, someone might know me way up there in Washington and say..."Hey, we had no idea that Kaye Butler was of the Chamorro race." Really...Chamorro was an opiton...then there was the box that said *other* Can there be that many races? Seriously, they give you like 100 choices,do we really need the *other* box? And, by the way, I think Chamorro is a made up one anyway. Sorry if there are some Chamrros that read this blog. Anyway, I decided to answer correctly. BORING! I could have really come up with some great answers.

Question #10: Does Person 1 (tim) sometimes live or stay somewhere else?
- Let me just say that there was not a box for Yes, my husband sometimes lives at the Wrecker Service where they have cable, his dad cooks and cleans for them, and they have nice cool air conditioning, (we have air conditioning, but Im tight and turn it on at the last possible minute and we don't have cable because Im cheap).

I am enclosing a sweet note to the Census People thanking them for being a normal government operation....always making promises (the promise to mail me a form) and always breaking those promises (never mailing me the form).

the end

P. S.
I now have a paper cut on my togune and corner of my lip licking that stupid envelope to mail the census form.

I have Nothing to Post So....

I have nothing to post, so, I'm borrowing a story from my youngest brother Scott who lives in Alaska. He just sent this email to me today, haven't heard from him in a while...

We will just name this one:

“DID THAT REALLY JUST HAPPEN”

And yes it really did. It might sound too good to be true, but it certainly did happen!

So I am in the process of trying to find a better place to live while working in Anchorage for the dogs. The apartment just isn’t very good for them and I want them happy. So I’m looking for a little farm house on some land for them to run.

So I found a nice looking little farm house and set up an appointment to check it out. It’s down the beautiful “old Glenn hwy” and it was a gorgeous day to drive out. So I load Amos up and head out there. I show up and it’s perfect on the outside. It’s a huge property, all wide open with busy roads anywhere around. It’s about a mile down a dirt road. So perfect, and Amos jumped out and started running and frolicking and having a ball immediately.

So I introduce him and myself and we look around a bit and head inside. Well it is an old farm house so it’s by no means the penthouse suite, but I’m usually doing the bachelor thing in Anchorage anyway, so good for the dogs is what I’m after. So I overlook the first impression of how old the inside is. It’s cozy. But then as we were talking a mouse ran out in the middle of the floor (behind the prospective sellers) and it stopped and looked at me and then scurried off behind the furnace door. So I’m thinking should I say something about this??? I figure nahhh, just a fluke thing, no biggie; one lil mouse is no problem. So I stay open minded.

The guy is continuing his spill and I’m listening and I kid you not a different mouse came from a different direction and was totally cool with us, not scared, just walked leisurely into the other room. Once again the guy’s back was to him, but I was positive this was real, and I was not hallucinating. I hadn’t eaten any mushrooms or anything.

So I figure now I have to inquire about this situation somehow without offending this guy. So at this point Amos is still running happily around outside. I can see him out the window, the owners back is to this window though. He was having a ball, but he seemed to hunting something.

So just so we are all clear, this inspection is not going well in my opinion. The house was cozy and homey I guess, but you usually don’t want to feel like you’re in a “farm of free grazing mice” when your house hunting.

So I am still watching Amos. He is circling my truck outside as I’m looking over the guys shoulder as he continues to give his pitch. About that time I see two mice scurrying around under the truck looking for a safe exit as the BIG BAD HUNTER Airedale Terrier is dancing circles around it, he’s in full on attack mode, but has no clue what he’s doing. He just knows that whatever is under that truck is meant to be chased and destroyed!

So about that time I find my spot to butt in and ask. So I say “this being an old farm house have you ever had any kind of Rodent problem?” The guy’s response was long. But it started like this “Ohhh no, nothing to worry about, we have seen one around from time to time but we keep mouse traps out regularly and never catch anything, so it’s never been a problem”. So as I have one of those instantaneous (did he really just give me that crap) coughing fits, I say. “you sure (?), it’s common for old home places to have that problem from time to time, but I would want to know if it does”. Once again he starts denying any problem, but this time he might have a problem. Seems my lil hunter is quite effective and by golly he is proud of his accomplishment. Well any good “Airedale Terrier” knows if you accomplish such a monumental and joyous goal, you can’t let it go un-seen by your proud human? Right?

Well just as this guy is denying that there is any problem at all with rodents, here comes super “Amos” the Airedale banging thru the half open door and covered in mud off the under belly of the pickup which he had to squirm under to get his catch, he then shakes off all the muck on the freshly cleaned carpets and does his “Toss The toy” trick with this little critter we call “Mouse”. The mouse hit’s the ground, looks a bit confused and slightly injured, but he manages to run off and go under the furnace closet door to hang with his buddies. The guy didn’t even try to explain the mouse problem. We just shook hands, I apologized for the floor.

This was the funniest thing that has ever happened to me, well at least lately, and maybe ever. I couldn’t even believe it. I mean I really couldn’t. I swear if I had known and gotten this all secretly on tape with the phone, it would have been freaking golden!

I may never relive this type of thing again, but if you ever get to, savor the moment because it just might not ever get any better.

Hey, and how about that Amos, his first safari huntin trip and he bagged one. Good on him!

Scott

P.S., don’t think I’m gonna take the house although I think Amos would be thrilled if I moved him into mouse’ville.

Oops I Did It Again...

I was texting Dianne this morning about the drama going on at my house and thought...OMGosh this would just make a great post. I shouldn't have to worry about anyone getting mad if I post about this drama, since there's no chance any of the parties involved read my blog. So I am safe.

Oops I did it again...I made someone mad again. I'm always making the people that live in my house mad at me for some reason...this time, I've pissed off two of the three animals that live with me, Pepper and Freckles are pissed.

Drake is happy. He's out of the pin. Someone broke Tim's sophisticated locking system (aka ratchet strap)so Drake is a free doggie. Free, HUGE, black lab, 2 years old, scared of the water and hates duck hunting Lab. If you know anything at all about Tim, he eats, sleeps and breathes duck hunting and his dog hates it.

Mary Margaret gave him a bath last weekend. She tied him to the deck and turned on the water and I swear...his eyes rolled back in his head and he started flipping like he was having convulsions! Mary Margaret was laughing so hard she was crying. She said "I don't know what people look like on crack...but I'm thinking its something like what Drake is doing now!"

Back to the mad animals...

Pepper is the cat. She is not happy to say the least. Last night she finally realized that I planned on leaving this crazy, cat loving, dog out, she sass-shayed her tail straight up a tree and stayed there protesting loudly.

Now, Freckles, is not so lucky. He can't get away quickly. He's rear is healing nicely from the burn, but, it still hinders him and he really couldn't run too fast before he got burned. So....to make his point that he's mad, anytime Drake comes near him, he turns his burnt balding butt away from him and refuses to look at him. He also ignores me and Im his best friend. Not anymore.

Last night was very dramatic and the tension was thick between Freckles and I. I decided to sit out on the deck with his favorite snack...popcorn with butter. He sniffed the air and looked at me with a look that said..."Oh, that's low, you know Im pissed at you for letting that overgrown child out of his pin!" I just sat there and smiled. He turned his back to me. Drake comes up the deck at lighting speed...(eyes peeled back cause he smelled food and saw me and Freckles together..thinking Im getting food and love from everyone! yay me!) He skids to a stop and Freckles had to turn his back to Drake which put him facing me. HA! He was trapped! I offered him some popcorn and he turned his nose up! Drake seeing this happen was like...shoot dude...I'll eat it! He gently creeps past Freckles (i think he's secretly scared of Freckles...Freckles burn scar makes him look all tough and stuff) and then he sticks his tongue out and I let the popcorn drop on his tongue and he ate it slowly. Freckles snorted and huffed and slunk off to a corner and let me and my new popcorn buddy eat all the popcorn without him.

Honestly, I've never seen Drake be that gentle in my life. Every time I offered the popcorn, he was real careful and stuck his tongue out and waited. Took us like 45 minutes to finish the bowl. Hooolarious.

Last night I got up a couple of times for water, etc. I looked into Taylor's room and who did I see looking in her window? Drake. Wonder if he was trying to figure out how to get inside?

Sad News

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of Celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.... The grave side was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima (who has to be older than dirt) delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. he was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play dough, three children: John dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his extremely elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift...

How Sweet!!!

How sweet is this? I also got to capture a few giggles while she was sleeping! Addison and her momma, Amanda.

A Little Something

A little something I like to do in my spare time is redo the girls room.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Yeah, I'm not completely crazy.

I did, however, redo Taylor's room this weekend. Its been peptobismol pink for about 6 or so years now. I've finally had enough. We probably do not want to discuss the CRAP that I found in her room. Discussing the number of trash bags that were filled up will probably make me mad again! OH, and lets see, how about we DON'T talk about that fact that she has spilled several drinks in her room AND DID NOT CLEAN IT UP. If I talked about all that she may end up grounded and my blood pressure would probably sky rocket all over again. One more thing to not talk about is how she left me to do all the dirty work and she went out and played. Just sayin...we should not talk about it.

I wish I had the before pictures with me, but I grabbed the wrong camera card. Anywho...most of you know what that hiddeous pink looked like in that childs room. We got rid of the old bed, it looked like an old timey hospital bed, we got rid of the broken down dresser and a few other crapy pieces of furniture and this is what we ended up with...

Girls fighting over who gets to sleep in the pretty room.

Taylor's brand new dresser, no hand me down, her very own, never been used before dresser!

Boy news...Taylor has young man texting her and calling her ALL THE TIME and Mary Margaret is in love with Kevin.

There you have folks.

Fat Girls Can't Jump & I'm Hungry

Fat Girls Can't Jump

After Tim stopped laughing he expressed that he was very disappointed that a video camera or even still shots were not taken of what I'm about to tell you. Sorry Tim. You'll just have to use your imagination. It was bad enough that the girls and their friends were present for my performance.

Picture a beautiful spring afternoon, all the kids sitting around the trampoline and they are begging the hippest aunt/mom in the whole world to climb on the trampoline and show them some really kool moves. I finally gave in, knowing that if I didn't, they would all be totally crushed. (Shut up, I didn't crush anyone, yet)

I got in the middle of the trampoline, jumped a little, loving that they were all cheering me on! (go kaye go kaye go kaye) I didn't want to "wow" them from the very start, so I started off small. Jump, Jump, Jump a little higher and decided to land on my rearend.

I HIT THE GROUND BELOW THE TRAMPOLINE WITH A THUD AS LOUD AT THUNDER.

I sat there for a minute...climbed off...and said to the kids...Fat Girls Can't Jump, then went into the house and cried, cause that freaking hurt my boootay.

And now...

It's almost lunch time, I'm being very impatient... I'm hungry.

This is all I could find in the funeral home to eat.

I'm gonna be strong and wait for lunch.

Signed,
My bootay still hurts
Kaye

P.S. I'm thinking about having Tim bring home the tractor or backhoe, so that he may dig me a pit under the trampoline so that I may jump!

No I'm not, I just want some yard work done and thought that he might bring home the big dawg equipment if I teased him with a little trampoline action.